Crudity.

THE GREAT FARTING CONTEST

I'll tell you a ditty that's certain to please

Of a great farting contest at Wyndham on seas

Where all the great arses paraded in fields

To partake in a contest for various shields

Some lifted their arses and farted the scale

Competing for cups and a barrel of ale

While others whose arses where biggest and strongest

Past into the finals for loudest and longest

The ladies event had drawn such a crowd

And the betting was evens on Mrs. Macloud

A report had appeared in the evening edition

That this ladies arse was in perfect condition

The vicar arrived and ascended the stand

And briefly addressed the remarkable band

The contest is on as you've seen by the bills

We've excluded the use of injections and pills

The ladies lined up for the signal to start

And winning the toss Mrs. Jones took first fart

The people stood gasping in silence and wonder

And the radio manager gave warning of thunder

Young Mrs. Pat Hole then came to the front

And started by doing a remarkable stunt

With legs wide open wide she clenched both her hands

And blew off the roof in the popular stands

Now old Mrs. Birch had a perfect backside

With a large bunch of hair and a wart on each side

She fancied her chance of winning with ease

Having trained on a diet of cabbage and peas

Now blond Mrs. Belcher was sure of a place

For only last Sunday she'd been in disgrace

By dropping a fart which out rumbled the organ

And gassing the verger our dear Mr Morgan

Miss. Pimple arrived to roars of applause

And quickly proceeded to pull down her drawers

Although she'd no chance in the fashion array

She'd the prettiest arse seen for many a day

For Mrs Macloud everything went amiss

She'd been drinking weak tea and was all wind and piss

She took up her stand with her leg open wide

And unfortunately shit so disqualified

The next was Mrs. Smith who shyly appeared

And smiled at the crowd who lustily cheered

Although it was thought her chances were small

She astounded the crowd and out farted them all

With hands on her hips she stood farting alone

And folks were amazed at the sweetness of tone

The judge then declared without hindrance or pause

First prize for Mrs. Smith please pull up your drawers

She walked to the rostrum with maidenly gait

To receive from the vicar a set of gold plate

She turned to the crowd who had started to sing

And farted the first verse of God Save the Queen.

Sponsored by EPSOM SALTS